Mention foster parenting in conversation and there is a good chance someone will respond with three familiar words:
“I couldn’t do it.”
Usually, those words come from a place of admiration. What often follows is something like, “I would get too attached” or “I could never give the baby back.”
But Get Too Attached: Collective Wisdom on Fostering Babies by Alicia McCormick, PhD, invites readers to look more closely at what those statements really mean and what foster babies actually need.
The forthcoming book gathers the experiences of foster parents who know firsthand that attachment is not an unfortunate side effect of fostering.
It is part of the job.
Of Course Foster Parents Get Attached
There is a misconception that foster parents somehow learn to love children without becoming emotionally invested.
McCormick’s own experience says otherwise.
She writes about becoming attached to every baby she welcomes into her life. Foster parents are not immune to grief, nor do they possess some special ability to say goodbye without hurting. Instead, they make room for attachment while knowing that a placement may eventually end.
That difference matters.
When someone says, “I would get too attached,” the assumption is that emotional attachment makes a person poorly suited for fostering.
Get Too Attached turns that idea around.
What if being willing to become attached is exactly what makes someone capable of offering a vulnerable baby what they need?
The Baby Cannot Protect the Adult’s Heart
Foster care begins because a child needs safety and care.
That baby may have already experienced prenatal stress, substance exposure, neglect, medical challenges, separation or instability. Some babies arrive crying inconsolably. Others barely cry. Some have feeding and sleep difficulties, while others struggle to accept comfort or physical closeness.
Whatever their story, they need adults willing to respond consistently.
They need to be held.
They need someone who notices hunger, discomfort, fear and exhaustion.
They need caregivers willing to become familiar enough that safety begins to feel possible.
As several parents in McCormick’s collection emphasize, telling foster parents to “guard their hearts” can put the emotional protection of adults ahead of the attachment needs of children. One contributor puts it plainly: children need foster parents to get attached and to be fully present as parents.
“I Couldn’t Do It” Does Not Mean You Cannot Help
Not everyone should become a foster parent and Get Too Attached does not suggest otherwise.
But choosing not to foster does not mean choosing not to participate.
McCormick encourages communities to support foster families in practical ways. Bring dinner. Wash bottles. Help with laundry. Accompany a parent to an appointment. Buy diapers. Learn about trauma-informed caregiving. Celebrate a new placement instead of treating it like an uncomfortable situation nobody knows how to discuss.
Sometimes the person saying, “I couldn’t do it,” can still make it possible for someone else to keep doing it.
That may be one of the most important messages in Get Too Attached.
Fostering is not about being fearless, emotionally detached or unusually strong. It is about accepting that loving a child may hurt and deciding that the child deserves that love anyway.
Read the book on Amazon: https://a.co/d/021kJ9Y3
